I Swear This Time I Mean It

[Emma Lennon]

Positive. It was positive.

Emma was positive that her life was over. She was positive that everything was all messed up... she was positive that nothing was ever going to be the same, ever again... but mostly, she was positive that she was in big trouble.

Ever since that night with Jake, Emma couldn’t help but feel a bit off about everything. She was really happy, at the time of course, that things finally progressed with him – but the morning after, she realized that it wasn’t at all how she had always wanted it to be, with him. It wasn’t even romantic or anything. It was blurred and drunken, irresponsible and uncharacteristic, and she was pretty sure that the whole time, she had been too busy worrying about whether or not she was going to puke on him to actually enjoy herself. And now, she was going to have to live with the mistakes they made that night.

He wouldn’t, of course. She contemplated not even telling him, so that he could go on with him life, never knowing about their horrible misjudgement... he could make something special of his life, and years and years down the road, he might find some rich, nice looking woman to settle down with. But not her. As much as she wanted Jacob to be hers, she would never have him. They were from different worlds. And now, Emma was to be a mother. Her life was over, but his didn’t have to be.

Earlier that day, she sent Jake a text message asking him to meet her here. It was just about the only place in the Beach that she felt comfortable... the actual beach. The sound of the waves and the warm breeze always calmed her down, and the feeling of the sand between her toes grounded her, and reminded her that everything that was happening was real.

She supposed that if she had to have a baby so young, she was glad that it was with someone she loved as much as her Jakey.

Regardless of her newfound determination to tell him, her stomach was in knots. Was it selfish, to tell him, and to give him this intense burden just so she wouldn’t have to abandon him? Or was it the right thing to do? The thoughts and contradictions made her want to vomit. Or, it could have been the pregnancy.

Pulling on blade of grass that poked through the sand, Emma wiggled her toes in the sand and watched the sun setting over the ocean. Drawing in a slow breath, she waited, so nervous that she was shaking, for the boy she loved to come and surely break her heart.

[Jacob Heart]

Maybe she just wanted to hang out? Forget what had happened and just be friends? That would make sense... yes?

In the seven years that they had known each other, Emma had often texted Jake and told him to meet him at the beach. And he would go there and find her with a picnic basket full of beer and snacks. And they would talk shit and get drunk and generally have a good time.

And that was the hope that Jake had held on to since recieving Emma's text that morning.

However, as he approached his friend, he could clearly see that there was no picnic basket full of beer and snacks. This was going to be no friendly hang out.

So what did she want?

They hadn't properly spoken since... well... since before it had happened. There had been very little speaking during. And no speaking afterwards. So what was all this about?

Was she going to tell him to leave the band because it was too awkward?

Or worse. Was she going to tell him she never wanted to see him again after he'd taken advantage of her?

Jake didn't think he could do that. He'd invested seven years of his life loving this girl and he was sure he could just let it go. Actually he wasn't sure it was possible to simply let a feeling like that go. But what if she did tell him to leave her alone forever? Would he upset her further by refusing to go? Or would he sacrifice his happiness so she would be more comfortable?

He swallowed hard as he dropped down next to her, watching her play with the grass between her fingers as the silence grew long between them. Eventually the it grew too much for him and Jacob drew a breath before seeking out her gaze and saying, "Sooooo..." as unawkwardly as possible.

Which was actually extremely awkward now that he thought about it.

[Emma Lennon]

"Sooooo..."

After the long awkward moment when he first sat down, his uncomfortable tone made her laugh and she was grateful for it. Jake could always make her laugh – even if she was mad at him, or upset because of the band, or just distraught in general, he could always make her happy, and with minimal effort too... it was a gift that made him incredibly endearing. Too endearing for Emma’s liking, because it always meant girls were crushing over him.

“Yeaaaah,” was all she could respond with, breaking his gaze and looking back out to the waves as they crashed in.

“Um,” she said after another long pause. Now that he was here she was having second thoughts – would it really matter if she told him tonight about the baby? Could they just work on salvaging whatever relationship they had before... it... happened... and just leave the world behind them? They could go for a swim, or get ice cream, or go to the movies... they could write songs, and she could sing to him, and they could talk about everything they hated about their lives.

No. She had to do it now. She couldn’t bear this burden alone.

“Look, I... wanted to talk to you about,” Chicken shit. “the band. And stuff. I mean...”

God dammit, she thought. Of course she’d chicken out right at the last minute.

“I just wanted to talk to you,” she finally admitted quietly, which wasn’t by any means a lie. She did want to talk to him. But there was a certain topic that she needed to talk to him about.

[Jacob Heart]

Jake felt himself relax and smile as Emma let out a laugh. That was probably a good sign. She was unlikely to laugh like that if she were about to kick him out of her life. Actually, Jake doubted Emma would laugh at all if she were to do something like that. Emma was hardly the cruel type.

“Yeaaaah,”

This was a very eloquent conversation.

“Um,”

He could tell, even from the lack of words, that something important was going on. And he could also tell that she wanted to tell him what it was, but it was clearly something she was having trouble saying. He wanted to ask out right what it was, knowing she would feel better once she had gotten it out... and to satisfy his own curiosity. But he would let her sort it out in her own time.

“Look, I... wanted to talk to you about, the band. And stuff. I mean...”

Liar.

“I just wanted to talk to you,”

That was better.

With a sigh, Jake slipped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her to him, resting his head on top of hers. For a long moment he just held her like that, enjoying that - to him at least - it didn't feel awkward. It was a refreshing change from the last few weeks.

"I'm glad," he blurted out. "Not that, something's bothering you - don't deny it, I know I'm right - but that you want to talk to me. Cause, you know, we haven't talked since... well... in a while."

Now why had he brought that up? That was the fastest way to ruin everything all over again.

[Emma Lennon]

As he pulled her closer to him, Emma wanted to take her fist and bash it against his arm in frustration. Didn’t he know that he was making this so much more difficult than she ever thought it would be? By touching her now, the way that he did so many times before, even though it was always just a friendly thing, it made her heart ache. She was just two words away from shattering his world and making him recoil from her like she was a disease, something contagious, an infected part of his life that he needed to cut out.

Despite her initial hostile reaction, she relaxed quickly and just let him hold her together. If he let go now, she’d break.

“I’m glad, Not that, something’s bothering you –”
Emma opened her mouth to deny this, but was cut off. Which was probably best, because it would be a total lie. “don’t deny it, I know I’m right – but that you want to talk to me. Cause, you know, we haven’t talked since… well… in a while.”

His words hit her like a knife. Why did he have to say that?
But she kept silent, her eyes trained on the waves. This was something Emma had always been good at: stealing moments and making them drag out as long as possible. She had always been good at getting lost in her thoughts; she always tried to take the time to try and figure out the best words to use. Carefully chosen, when she tried. Safe words. Words that didn’t hurt anybody but herself.

After much thought, she let out a small sigh.

“I know,” she responded. Hardly carefully chosen, pretty words, but true nonetheless. “I wanted to; I just wasn’t sure what to say… or what you’d say back.”

Suddenly overcome by everything that was going on, Emma turned her head and hid her face against his shoulder, trying to block out the world. Was she ready to be a mother? Would she be able to do it alone once Jake realized his mistake? She didn’t want the child to live in poverty, like she and her siblings… it would be hard. Nothing would be the same.

“Jake…” she pleaded out of nowhere, her voice pained. She couldn’t do this to him, but she needed so badly for him to take it all away. “Tell me it meant something to you. Even if it didn't... please, just lie.”

[Jacob Heart]

His heart beating ridiculously fast, Jake tried to give the outward appearance of total calm. It was harder than it had been these past weeks, what with Emma so close now. He was sure she could frantic rhythm of his heart. Why had be brought it up?

“I know,”

That hadn't been the response he'd expected, but it did wonders to calm him down. At least she hadn't got up and left, or just sat there in awkwardly in silence for the rest of the evening. Maybe it was a good thing he had mentioned it?

Or at least not a bad thing.

“I wanted to; I just wasn’t sure what to say… or what you’d say back.”

Jake simply nodded, knowing exactly how she felt. It had all happened so... wrong... that he hadn't known what to say to her. He knew it was as much his fault as hers, the silence between them. But he had just felt so guilty, and hated himself, that he had wanted her to speak first, to tell him he was a jerk, or that it had been okay.

Emma turned her face into his shoulder and Jake moved his hand lightly to hair, stroking it gently in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. He was afriad she was going to cry. And he was afraid it was his fault.

“Jake…” his jaw tightened in pain at the tone of her voice. Tell me it meant something to you. Even if it didn't... please, just lie.”

Jake pressed his lips tight together, a frown creasing his forehead, at first unable to comprehend what her words meant.

Lie, a part of him said. Telling the truth will hurt you both.

This time, thankfully, Jake ignored that part of himself.

Taking a deep breath, Jake returned his hand to her shoulder, trying not to grip it too hard in his nervousness.

"It wouldn't be a lie," he whispered. "I wish... I wish it had been different though. I wish we hadn't been drunk and we'd known what we were doing. I wish we'd handled it better afterwards. I wish I remembered it better..." he sighed again, wishing now that he was better with words.

"But I - " He paused, realising what he'd been about to say, and deciding it was probably too much. "It meant something," he said finally.

[Emma Lennon]

"It wouldn't be a lie, I wish... I wish it had been different though. I wish we hadn't been drunk and we'd known what we were doing. I wish we'd handled it better afterwards. I wish I remembered it better..."

Emma nodded to each wish and knew that it must have been the pregnancy, because it was like her hormones were doing the tango while wearing moon boots. In a bouncy house. Upside down. She still felt upset, and rather embarrassed that she was practically begging him to make her feel better. She almost forgot that he might be confused too. From the sounds of it, he was. And now she felt even more selfish.

"But I - It meant something,"

She wasn’t sure what he was hesitating about, but she would take it. It even made her smile a bit in spite of herself.

“It meant something to me too,” she told him quietly. That was the most she had ever hinted at her feelings toward him before in words... sober, at least. It was always eye contact, or little offhand comments that she couldn’t help coming out, that would allude to what she felt... but she had never allowed much more than that.

It was starting to get dark now, but the ocean in front of them crashed on, bringing her back to the task at hand. Reminding her that like the tide, soon Jake would be retreating from her. She bit her lip and drew in a long, slow breath.

“But... I have something to tell you now,” Emma said as calmly as possible. Her heart was absolutely racing. “And you’re going to hate me for it.”

Then, reaching her hand out to slowly take his in her own, the way that you would approach a dangerous animal you were trying not to startle, she pulled it back and, unsure what to do next, placed it on her abdomen. She looked up at him, unsure that he would get it, but at least she was getting there.

[Jacob Heart]

“It meant something to me too,”

Jake tried to continue breathing normally as his mind worked over all of the things that could possibly mean. Did she feel the same way? Or at least a similar way? Or... well, what else could it mean? It was a good thing... yes?

“But... I have something to tell you now, And you’re going to hate me for it.”

He frowned slightly in confusion.

"Em," he said, confusion plain in his voice. "I don't actually think that's possible."

His frown deepened as Emma took his hand and placed it on her abdomen and looked at him like this should mean something to him.

"I don't - " he began, trying with all his might to discern what Emma was trying to get through to him. But Jake could not think of anything, least of all that would make Emma think he could hate her.

"I..." he started again. "Are you... hungry? Sorry... I just... I don't understand."

[Emma Lennon]

"Em, I don't actually think that's possible."

Emma smiled sadly at this, shaking her head. They would soon prove that statement false – there were a lot of possibilities to make him hate her. He just couldn’t even fathom the obstacle she was hurdling... once she said those two words... he would see just how possible it was.

"I don't - I... Are you... hungry? Sorry... I just... I don't understand."

What little light of hope she had that he would get it right away so that she wouldn’t have to explain it herself melted right off her face; her hopeful smile fell quickly. Then, after a split second of confusion, she laughed. There he went again, making the darkest of situations easier for her, when she so didn’t deserve it.

She hoped their child would inherit this.

“Yes, dork, I brought you all the way to the beach to tell you about how hungry I am. But come to think of it... I sort of am,” she conceded, still chuckling. After all, she was eating for two now. Bring on the pickles and ice cream! “But I’ll worry about that later.”

She put pressure on his hand over her stomach and tried to give him a serious look. One that meant she was trying to tell him something important.

Up until this moment, with the words sitting on the tip of her tongue, she didn’t know exactly what she was going to do with the baby. If Jake really didn’t want anything to do with them, would she be able to keep it? To look into its tiny face and see him, forever? Or would she give it away to some rich family who would give it a good life, and she would never be able to love it up close?

“Jacob.” Her stomach twisted into a huge knot as those two dreaded words slipped out into the night: “I’m pregnant.”

[Jacob Heart]

Jacob's heart dropped as he watched Emma's face fall at what he had said. Was it so important that he figure this out himself? He was trying, Lord knew he was. But he couldn't for the life of him figure out what it was she wanted.

And then she laughed again and he relaxed, his fingertips twitching slightly against her abdomen. Maybe not so important after all. Though, with his hand still against her belly, Jake wasn't getting any less confused.

“Yes, dork, I brought you all the way to the beach to tell you about how hungry I am. But come to think of it... I sort of am, But I’ll worry about that later.”

Jake smiled slightly, though he couldn't really see the comedy in the statement. He thought about asking her out to dinner, a proper date or something that would also serbe to satisfy her hunger. But something told him that now probably wasn't the time.

The look on his face was bordering on frantic concern as Emma gave him a serious look and pressed his hand more firmly into her abdomen. He still just wasn't getting it, though he was getting that it was important.

“Jacob.”

"Emma."

“I’m pregnant.”

For a moment Jake didn't quite comprehend the words she had said and simply stared at her as if waiting for her to tell him what it was she had wanted to tell him. Slowly though, those two words dawned on him and his eyes dropped without expression, from her face to where his hand pressed against her.

Pregnant?

He almost laughed at her and told her that that couldn't be possible. Pregnant. It just couldn't happen.

But he knew that it could. Sex generally lead to babies if proper contraception wasn't used. And Jake didn't think they'd used any let alone the proper one.

And now Emma was pregnant.

With his baby. Well he assumed it was his baby. The intensity of this particular conversation would have been rather redundant if that baby wasn't his.

How had everything gotten so messed up?

Clearing his throat slightly, Jake continued to stare at her abdomen. Where his baby was now currently doing it's baby things.

"I... wow..." he said quietly. In what felt like no time at all, his entire life had just changed forever.

"So... what are we going to do?"

[Emma Lennon]

Emma pulled a nervous face as she watched his reaction, preparing herself for the worst. Either way, no matter what Jacob said, nothing could change the fact that she was going to have to live with their mistake. Regardless of what he thought... she had it the hardest, because she couldn’t just simply turn away from the issue. The baby was inside of her. Nothing would ever be the same.

"I... wow..."

Unsure what to say yet again, but wanting to say something to ease the tension, all she game out with was a tiny little awkward noise. “Euuuh,” she said nervously.

"So... what are we going to do?"

Well that was just it, wasn’t it? She had no freaking clue what they were going to do.

“I don’t –” She started, but then, she stopped and blinked in complete confusion. Did he just say ‘we’? She hadn’t prepared for that at all. Emma expected to be thrown out by him, cast off, and shunned or something, but the last thing she expected was... that. “What? We?”

Maybe she hadn’t given him enough credit... or maybe it was just her mind working overtime. Deep down, she had known Jake would never do anything so horrible to her. But maybe she wanted him to, so he didn’t have to screw up his life too.

“I-I mean... you don’t have to do anything,” she said quickly, trying to recover, and hide the confusion she still felt. “I don’t expect you to. I just... thought you should know...”

[Jacob Heart]

“What? We?”

Jake gave her a slightly confused look. Why was she so surprised that he had said 'we'?

“I-I mean... you don’t have to do anything, I don’t expect you to. I just... thought you should know...”

For a second Jake simply stared at her, unsure whether to laugh or to yell at her. She didn't expect him to do anything about this? Really?

Eventually he decided laughter was better, though it did feel slightly awkward. "Emma, you can't just tell me you're carrying my child and not expect me to do anything," he told her.

He moved his hand to her shoulder and leaned forward to kiss her forehead. He was acting calmer than he felt. Though that was probably a good thing. There was a baby on the way, they really couldn't afford to freak out.

"Whatever you decide to do, keep it, don't keep it, whatever... I'm here for you." He gave her a serious look. "We're in this together."

[Emma Lennon]

"Emma, you can't just tell me you're carrying my child and not expect me to do anything,"

She closed her eyes and sighed when he kissed her forehead, her heart pounding as quickly as her thoughts were. Never had she imagined that he would be taking this so well. She had positively freaked out when the test came out positive, and again when the doctor confirmed it – the only person who knew was Janaya, who had come with her to the hospital. She wished her friend was there now, to talk for her, to tell Jake how scared she was so she didn’t have to herself.

"Whatever you decide to do, keep it, don't keep it, whatever... I'm here for you. We're in this together."

Now it was clear: the decision was on her. She expected it already, but with it being brought up now, Emma was as dumfounded as before. They were both 22, so it wasn’t like they were horribly young or anything. They could do it, if they tried hard enough.

“I’m so sorry, Jake,” she whispered to him, her fear finally showing through. “For all of this... but I can’t give it up. And I can’t kill it. So that means...”

She trailed off, afraid to say it.

[Jacob Heart]

“I’m so sorry, Jake, For all of this... but I can’t give it up. And I can’t kill it. So that means...”

Jake drew her to him, wrapping his arms around her tightly and resting his chin on top of her head. He knew she was scared. Anyone would be. Hell, he himself was terrified. But he was going to pretend he wasn't, for her.

"So we keep it," he said, a strange note of finality in his voice. "Don't be sorry. We can afford it. We will love it. It'll be okay."

Tehnically it was Jake that could afford it, but now that they were having a child together and probably because he'd spent years wishing they were a 'we', he'd automatically started thinking of them as so.

"And I love you," he said, because now seemed a good a time as any to get that out of the way. "So everything will work out."

[Emma Lennon]

"So we keep it, Don't be sorry. We can afford it. We will love it. It'll be okay."

Emma tried hard not to cringe. She knew someone would eventually have to mention their financial situation at some point, but she didn't realize until this moment just how much she had been dreading it. It was true, they could afford it, but only because of Jake... it made her feel terrible that she couldn't contribute much, and she knew her family was going to have a heart attack about it.

But, one step at a time. Baby steps, you could say.

"And I love you," Emma looked up at him, startled. She had not been expecting that. "So everything will work out."

Grinning, elated and relieved, she nodded. "I guess that means we're... you know... together now?"

She wasn't even sure herself why she didn't tell him that she loved him right away. She did, definitely... but something was holding her back -- maybe it was because she was worried he was only saying it because she was pregnant now... or maybe it was because she had loved him for so long in secret that admitting it now would only bring about the destruction of their carefully fabricated friendship, or the ruin of their romantic relationship... but either way, as the seconds ticked on, she regretted it.

She really should have told him.